One Day At A Time-Anger

It’s time for me to move to the next step, back to work. It will be hard because this is where I learned I lost you, but I will get past this I have no choice. You are gone in body, but you will always be in our hearts. All I have to do is look at our children and I see you. Miss you, my best friend, husband.

To the doctors and the medical field. If a person is diagnosed with a terminal illness and is in pain why are you making them suffer? My husband had Dementia, depression, pain and no sleep for over a month.

He lost fifteen pounds because he couldn’t eat, every time he did pain that brought tears to my husband’s eyes, but yet when he asked for just something to help him sleep you ignored him, too afraid to give him something. Do I think this would have saved my husband? Given us the extra time to say goodbye? I don’t know, but you never gave us that choice.

My Husband was not a drug addict…He didn’t need to be controlled. He needed relief which you did not give him.

Is this anger from me, you bet it is. There has to be a line where a physician’s need to step up and walk in their patient’s shoes.  What caused my husband to take his life? Dementia, pain, no sleep, and depression not suicide that is written on his death certificate. All he wanted to do was sleep and now he is asleep, his father is with him. So yea, I blame you right now.

So, if you have a loved one in pain and is dying, please speak up, fight for them. Doctors have to see their patients…

If you would like to help out: https://www.gofundme.com/unee92-funeral-expenses&rcid=r01-154712793034-fd9a1fba8a1e46f4&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w

Empty

Final Journey

It’s with great sadness, hurt, anger that I write this last post. My husband was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia two years ago. Some said the younger they are the faster the disease spreads and it would seem it is true in my husband’s case.

For the last two months, illness had taken hold of my husband, his body failing him along with his mind. All he wanted he told the doctor last week was to sleep, the pain was so bad in the end he couldn’t sleep or eat for over 2 to 3 weeks. He’d lost over 15 pounds. To give him something just to knock him out to rest, but they wouldn’t.

They gave him some little pain pill, that even the corner didn’t understand, with the size of my husband it wouldn’t have done anything for him. His mind snapped, the pain too much and going in and out of the fog from dementia my husband gave up. Informed my daughter he was going to work in the garage and that was the last he ever said to anyone.

 

Were the signs there, yes now that I look back, but I won’t blame myself or even my husband for taking his own life in the end. This disease took the man, my warrior away from his children, brothers, family and me…

.

So come Friday, Jan 4, 2019 we as a family ring in the New Year saying goodbye to our husband, friend, dad, brother, uncle.  We will miss you and you will always be in our hearts.

 

If you would like to help us with financially it would be appreciated.

https://www.gofundme.com/unee92-funeral-expenses&rcid=r01-154636658851-238f7a2ee14b4239&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w

 

Dementia you suck… https://www.dickenfuneralhome.com/obituary/rodney-horner

Journal entry 8: Everyday Life VS Dementia

It’s been a long time since my last post. I guess with this disease everyday life makes it twice as hard to face other aspects of your life. We had a crisis with my son and to watch my husband trying to cope with this was hard.

We live close to the hospital so he would walk home, but you worry will he find his way. Thank god he can still find his way, but I slowly see other things going. More notes are around the house. Quiet days are welcomed and worshiped from me, today is not one of those days.

Schedule:

  1. Dish guy 2 hours
  2. Take daughter to work
  3. Blog-email-edits
  4. 2 doctor appointments for husband-treading lightly since he hates this doctors office. Trying to make him understand this doctor helps with his depression and his sickness, but he can’t comprehend it.
  5. Making sure son is okay, watching to make sure no more seizures. (Everyday, 24 hours.)

 

These are just the main parts of my day off. Let’s not forget all the little things a mom had to do. That quote “A mother’s job is never done,”  is an understatement.

On, happier news, time is getting closer to our cruise, mom, daughter and I will be gone for a week Cuba and Mexico. Never been on a cruise so it should be interesting. Son, his girlfriend will be watching and making sure husband eats. I’ll have posted lists on the boards and taped to the kitchen cupboards for him.

I finally finished two stories and working on edits also, so another thing done and two more in my sites to finish too.

Okay off and running up to number four today, oh then I have to find something to make he’ll eat, sigh…Have a great day folks.

Dementia: Journal Entry 7

So many changes, things going on where does one start. The picture above is exactly how I feel some days. Just when I think things have settled down, something happens. Did I mention I hate this disease?

Pain front, we found out that his med’s husband was taking for the dementia was causing his pain. My husband had every side effect severely, hence why is now off his med’s till we see the doctor next week. So, all those tests, didn’t need them, well the colonoscopy that should have been a while ago, so I guess that is okay.

Doctor’s appoints are crazy here in this house. Between husband, two kids and myself, yea it’s bad. But when the husband starts his threats a day before the doctor appointments I want to once more just cancel everything. Tomorrow is the psych doctor he has to see now and husband does not like it one bit. “You say one thing wrong I walk out,” will be thrown out all day until the appointment tomorrow.

 

On the good news, husband now has more energy and is doing more now that the pain isn’t there. Last weekend, husband spent the whole weekend outside working in the yard and cleaning the cars. It was amazing to see. I guess we live for these days when things go good and I’ll take them.

“I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” Charles M. Schulz

Monday’s Journal Part 6

What is time when a family is dealing with dementia? It either slows down or speed’s up so fast you don’t know which end is up. This last month has been one of those month’s. Where everything has flown by.

My older children hiding in their room, afraid of their father who is having a melt down, while I’m at work. Them texting me keeping updated, knowing I can’t leave work to come home. Doctor’s who don’t know why the hell my husband is in so much pain, tests and more tests.

This last week I celebrated my 55 birthday and the only thing I wished for was a night of quiet. Where I didn’t have to worry about what’s he doing now, where are my kids, how are we going to get by this next month? But as always life isn’t going to go away.

Along with the melt down, our family is also now dealing with death. A family member, son’s friend, and my high school friend. So, I apologize for not posting sooner, but this month was overwhelming to say the least.

As I sit here waiting to head to a funeral. I realize the last two days have been quiet. Husband hasn’t been in pain and is having some good days. I take deep breaths and enjoy these days. Even the children recognize when it’s good to enjoy it. Has anyone seen that new Alzheimer’s add? I swear it’s my new life.

Seeing the stress taking it’s toll on me, the doctor and I have started to work on getting me back to a healthy status. The diet is back and a little help with the depression. I will get through this and be strong, I have no choice.

Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me. Carol Burnett

Monday’s Journey Part 5: Reaching Out

This last week I joined two Facebook groups that are support groups for Dementia. What an eye opener already. I so see myself is so many of the posts, but I also see posts that let me know what I have coming my way, scary. But I do believe in the long road these groups will help.

 

On the home front, husband is starting to get a little aggravated, being sick all the time. In March he’ll be getting a colonoscopy and the scope down the throat also. His stomach is not up to part, hurting him.

We also have our first incident with the bladder, pain holding anything also. Is it part of the disease or is it something else? If it is part of the disease it’s moving faster then I thought it would.

Family support? What is that? From his family I knew they wouldn’t help, but their attitude total blew me away. One brother ignoring husband, other brother calling him stupid treating husband like a shit, and of course the mom thinking he’s useless and telling him this to his face. But he still goes once a week to make sure to visit her, even though she throws her words at him. I know eventually the visits will stop soon, but until then I stand beside him.

Driving has come up as an issue. Tags are going to need to be bought and his license expires this month. Do I tell him to just let it all go since we are getting so close to him not being able to drive? I have one month to decide what we are doing, to watch how he is doing personally before I tell him.

As another week goes by I realized that I am now starting to think of what I will do when he is gone. Do I even want to stay here in this town? So many questions and things I need to start doing. But, one day at a time just adding things to my lists. Enjoy your day you never know what the next will bring you.

Monday’s Journey: Part 4, Wild Ride

I have skipped two posts and this was due to so many up and downs in my life. Even with a illness of Dementia life still goes on around me. Two weekends in a row sitting in ER. First my son, two seizures and broken back. (He’s fine now)

This past weekend, husband in ER blood work had doctor worried, but thank god it was nothing and we were out of the hospital in four hours. But that is not all, stomach virus his our house on top of all this. So, yes, I didn’t even open the laptop the one weekend.

I’m hoping the roller coaster ride is slowing down this person needs a break. But on the Dementia update I’m seeing everyday life things he’s forgetting how to do now. Trash bags give him a very hard time opening.

I asked husband to open a can for me He didn’t know how to operate the can opener.

Another thing I noticed, he’s repeating a little more, afraid of appearing stupid, but then again it doesn’t help to have a family that keep telling him he’s stupid.

If it was thing I would do if it didn’t hurt him is keep him from visiting his family. Again and again, they have treated my husband like dirt and I can’t stand it, but it would only hurt him if I did say anything.

On good news, disability has been approved and he is less worried now a little about money and so am I. He is also keeping busy working on his slot car track, which I believe is helping him concentrate.

Sleep is rough when him, so I’ve given up the bed allowing him to move around in the bed without having to worry about me in it. Soon, when things settle a little I’ll be searching for resources to help us when things get worse. I know one thing I have to worry about is our bathroom.

We have a claw foot tub and when things get worse there will be no way for me to get him into the this kind of a tub and I see him falling face first.

Research is my friend now…

 

The stars are never ending and one day you, my warrior will be riding them, free of pain, confusion and hurt.

Monday’s Journey: Part 3 Every Day Life

This week’s journey deals with every day’ life. As with all children mine are not perfect but they are normal. 🙂 Running to the store for me while I was at work son got into a bender fender. Nothing major, truck has a bump on it’s bumper. Son is paying his ticket, it’s not a drinking and driving nothing like that.

BUT, how does this effect a patient with Dementia? It throws his world into a something he can’t handle. Frustration, anger, slammed  doors, not eating and not sleeping is what we are dealing with this week, not to mention walking on egg shells hoping not to set the man off.

Let’s not forget the son, who is also shutting down, seeing his father sending all this frustration and anger at him when all he did was help his mom. Two strong men, one sick the other hurt, where mom stands between them trying to calm them both.

The house is quiet this morning, laundry has been started, cat boxes cleaned, kitchen cleaned, and I now sit down to drink my coffee, writing my post my stomach in knots. Will he wake in a good mood? Will he go off if son takes the truck again to go to work this afternoon? Is he going to be okay while I’m at work tonight?

So, when you think of events that life throw at you every day, just imagine a dementia person trying to cope with these events when part of his memory processing is leaving him.  Treasure those you have around you, because at anytime they can be gone. Have a wonderful day and remember to breathe, take a minute to step outside and just take in all that is good around you sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps you going.

Monday’s Journey: Part 2

This week was a tough one. My husband had one of, what I call episodes. What are episodes? Let me explain this one. I came home from work, but before this I had texted and asked daughter if husband wanted anything from MC a fast food place.

Daughter texts back, ‘Dad isn’t making any sense, one minute he wants this and then he says this. It’s like he’s answering three times.

So, I get all three things and I come home to see husband on the couch laying down nothing out of the normal there. But when I tell him I got his food, he just rolls over and gives me a look that I have seen and don’t like. He’s lost, does not answer, waves his hand and rolls over again.

I wait putting the food down next on the table, go grab something from the kitchen to come back in and see him trying to open the straw. Five minutes he didn’t say anything while looking at the stray and finally figuring out how to open it. You could see my husband coming back to us.

My husband has had three episodes including the one this week. Each time he has had one I notice something has progressed in this awful disease.

 

How far back has this episode set my husband away from us? So far, I have noticed any big changes. I know he is pulling away from his family, but that is normal since his side of the family have always been very negative around him, calling him names and such.

He now knows too that I don’t want him driving anywhere unless its close and I know where he is. Anywhere else he takes the son and he drives. Soon the driving will be a no and he knows this now. He starts his truck to keep it running in the drive but goes nowhere. TV and his project in the basement is keeping him occupied for now.

I have decided this is the waiting game disease. It tests your patience, your own sanity and your heart. But all we can do is take one day at a time.

Monday’s Journey

Sometime in August 2017 we received the news that changed our world, Dementia. Oh, I knew something had been wrong, the signs were there, having trouble at work, forgetting what he was doing, repeating everything he said. But to actually see the physical signs start to take affect on my husband was a little bit scary and sad.

For over twenty years my husband had supported our family, sure we had our trials up and down over the years, but this diagnosis is a new reality for us all. So, I decided to make Monday’s my day’s to post my journey through this disease. If it helps others out there then great, since I know there are hundreds, thousands going through the same things I am.

We wait for the next step of the disease to start. Will it start when I’m home to help him? Or will it happen when I’m working one of the two jobs I’m holding down? Yes, I count my writing as a job, because I hope one day this will be my full time job, support me, us.

My thoughts are everywhere as his disappear from his grasp. When do we take the car keys away? How much do I ask the children to help? Do I want them to really handle seeing their father so confused?

(No, it’s not my husband, but the picture is so close to the heart.)  I see my husband sitting on the couch, just staring. He does not hear me calling him, there is a blankness in his gaze. Where has he gone? Where is the strong warrior I first saw?

Then theirs THE FAMILY. You know the ones. The ones that don’t care, that only want what is good for them. Who cares that their brother, son is going to pass from this illness as long as they get what they want from him. Why? To this day I still can phantom such people. So, I pull up my big girl panties and act as the shield. Protecting him as much as I can. Making sure his last days are the best I can.

This Monday is all about taking one day at a time and making it the best I know for him. If it means so much for him to be with his family still, even though they are worthless jerks so be it. But they make one wrong move, he gets lost or hurt it will be their last time with him unless supervised. Cross the path of a woman who is protecting her children, because right now the man that was her warrior is now her child on some days and believe me this woman will protect him.

His memory might be leaving him, but mine will be here, guiding him. Where there is darkness I will be his light, let anyone try and darken his path, because I will burn bright all the way through this, sharing my memories.

Until next Monday, may your journey be strong and with bright light.